It’s kind of cruel that in the time that you most need a mental health or self care day, it’s really the time of the year when you can’t. For me, for example, I’m mentally and emotionally and some days physically exhausted to the point where I can’t do my work, but I HAVE TO DO MY WORK so I end up getting it done, and not getting enough sleep. My mind is a combination of dreams and classes and professors and homework, on one hand, and on the other, it’s all about anxiety and stress and getting all the things I need to get done, done, when they are due.
For a month or so now, I’ve thought about some questions I can’t seem to find the answers to:
Which one is more important:
Sleep or schoolwork?
Going to classes or taking a mental health day?
Doing that important project or resting, all the while worrying about not doing that important project?
Be anxious about doing your homework when you’re exhausted, or be anxious that you’re not doing it and have a nightmare while you’re sleeping?
Lately, both school and home have been stressful and anxiety-inducing for me.
At school, I know I have to learn or at least look like I’m learning. At school, I have to sit in a place with a ton of loud and annoying people around me, announcing their “funny” story to the whole building, loud enough to where I CAN’T tune them out with my music at its highest volume. In the process, I worry about my hearing in the future, and get even more anxiety.Often times, there is no safe not-obvious way of leaving the place I’m sitting without making it clear I’m leaving because of Loud Story Guy – it’s always a guy, or at least, I perceive to be one – and in my anxious mind it seems like defeat to leave (in a rush, at least), though it would be better for my mental state if I did.
At school, I’m paranoid of people looking at my laptop, and more than 3 times, people have came up to me to talk with me looking at my laptop the other way, and I’m already anxious enough when it happens. At school, my anxiety is most of the time at its highest levels, and every day, I feel like I’m going to break, more some days than others, but the thought is always in my head. At school, as a result of my anxiety, I feel like I’m running on empty, no matter how much or little sleep I’ve gotten. It doesn’t seem to make a difference. Maybe it will during the summer, but for now, it doesn’t.
At home, I’m meant to feel bad for not eating meat for the last – oh wow, 2 months and 2 days. At home, I’m told I need to get a job and learn to drive despite all of the above. At home, at least I have my room to go up to and close the door and just do whatever I want to do within a certain time frame of the day that usually doesn’t correlate with what I need to get done for school. At home, I’m angry and disappointed with my mom (I silent disagree with her on a lot of things, and if I do speak up about anything, an argument begins and it ends with me in tears, partly her not understanding where I’m coming from, partly just from anxiety of the confrontation aspect of it.) At home, it’s better than at school. Despite this, I feel like I’m going to break one day soon.
There are around two weeks of school left. In about two weeks, I have to write 2 papers (8 pages total – minimum), 2 short stories (6-8 pages total), and 3 essays (6 pages total). In that time as well, I have to also read 1.5 novels, and study for a math final exam. Along with that, I’d like to keep this blog going (which I will, I’m sure, since there are certain days where I can get ahead and schedule the next 2 posts before the day I need to post them), and also get to 50K in Camp NaNoWriMo.
Am I going to accomplish all this? You bet.
Am I going to mentally drained of anything that’s good, and shaking with anxiety and stress after this? You bet.
Ah, college. Ah, education. How much anxiety shall you force me to have? Only time will tell.
(Read Part 2 here.)
(Read more about my anxiety here.)
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